There is nothing more pleasant
than to have a good marriage. There is nothing more enjoyable then a
marriage that is absent from major conflicts. As long as there is love
& acceptance between a husband & wife, they can endure anything. Even
if there are financial crises due to the house or cars needing repair,
or if there are stresses at work, as long as there is harmony in the
home, couples can handle these pressures.
At the same time, there is nothing more worse than being in a marriage
that is going bad. No matter how good life is treating you, if there
is a lack of love or acceptance by your spouse, your life is miserable.
What is a person to do if their marriage has turned out bad? That’s
what we will look this morning. In this part of Paul’s letter, he addresses
what to do if you are in an unhappy marriage. In doing so he hopes he
can reverse the tide of divorce.
Please understand that there are many passages in the Bible that deal
with the subject of divorce. I am not going to attempt to look at what
all the Bibles says about divorce. But rather, I am going to look at
what the Bible has to say about divorce in line with what the Spirit
inspired Paul to write.
First, I want you to notice the advice that Paul gives to people who
are single, either because they currently divorced, or because their
spouse has died. Paul’s advice to this segment of the church is if you
are single because of divorce or death of your spouse, try to stay that
way--v. 8.
In those days, just like there is in our day, there was great pressure
put on those who were unmarried to be married, even within the church.
The married people in the church were putting so much emphasis on getting
married, that most single people felt as though their life was incomplete
if they didn’t get married. Paul lets them know that this simply is
not true, because he too is single.
And since Paul connects divorced people with widowed people, it is very
possible that this is Paul’s way of letting us know what happened to
his wife. It appears that first she divorced him, and now she was dead.
So he can say to them, "Since I’ve walked in your shoes, I can honestly
say that it’s better to stay single then to rush out and get remarried."
In fact, he uses the same Greek word for good that he used in verse
1. Last week we learned that the word for good means "morally excellent."
It conveys the idea of that which is ideal. We could say that from God’s
perspective, it is ideal, it is excellent, that if you are divorced
or widowed, to stay single. In fact, God commends you if you are able
to do so.
Notice that Paul uses the little word if in v. 8. That means that if
you are single because of a divorce or the death of your spouse, you
have a choice if you want to remain that way. Paul had a choice to get
married after his wife either divorced him and/or died. Instead, he
chose by his own free-will volition, not by some command from God, to
stay single.
Although marriage is the norm for most societies, there is also nothing
wrong with remaining single. Paul is saying don’t get married just because
your friends in church, or the members of your family are pressuring
you to do so. Instead, stay single.
But as Paul has previously said, your choice has to be based upon the
gift God has given you. So Paul once again reminds us of the litmus
test to see whether or not you have the gift of singleness--v. 9. The
Lord has revealed to Paul that if you are inflamed with passion and
continually tortured with wanting to get married, get married. The word
burn simply means to be consumed with passion. It indicates a type of
turbulent emotional struggle within you.
When applied to the concept of being single, it doesn’t mean that when
you look at a married couple you occasional long to get married. It
means that you want to get married so bad, that nothing else in life
matters. If your life is fixated on getting married, it means you have
a God-given, healthy passion towards marriage.
So God says, that if you don’t have the strength within you to successfully
overcome the desire to get married, then get married. God knows that
if you struggle with wanting to be married, it will distract every aspect
of your physical, emotional, & spiritual life. The only way to overcome
the desire to get married is to get married.
What I find so interesting about what Paul says here is that many people
believe that if a person is divorced, then that person never has the
right to get remarried. That is simply not true according to what Paul
says here in this verse. Some people would argue with me on this point
because they say that the people that Paul is talking to here are those
who have never been married. They base this upon the fact that the Greek
word for unmarried can refer not only to those who are divorced, but
also to those who have never been married.
Always remember that the number one rule of interpreting the Bible is
that context is king. And from the context of this chapter, it appears
that the group of people Paul is referring to here are people who are
divorced. In the immediate context Paul uses the exact same word in
v. 11, where he is talking about a person who has recently divorced.
Later on in this chapter, he will use this word to contrast those who
are married with those who have never been married. Also, if you follow
the flow of this letter, in which Paul moves from one group to the next,
it appears that the group Paul is talking to here are people who got
divorced before they got saved.
While divorce was never a part of God’s plan for marriage, he did make
concessions to the Jews to allow for divorce & remarriage. Jesus, in
Matthew ch. 19, gave an exception clause to those who were the innocent
victims of a divorce. In that chapter, Jesus gives us a brief history
of marriage & divorce.
When Jesus addressed this issue it was in response to the religious
leaders of his day. The conservatives argued that there is never any
grounds for divorce. While the liberals held that one could get divorced
for any reason at all. Knowing that the issue was very controversial,
they tried to trap Jesus by asking his opinion on the subject. They
did this because they knew that whatever side Jesus took, he would alienate
half the people.
But as usual, Jesus escapes their trap. He reminded them, "Have you
not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and
female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and
mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has
joined together, let not man separate. Moses, because of the hardness
of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning
it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for
sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever
marries her who is divorced commits adultery."
Please understand that Jesus is not advocating divorce. For Jesus always
urged forgiveness and reconciliation, if at all possible. But when a
spouse is guilty of persistent and unrepentant immorality, divorce is
permissible, and so is remarriage.
Here God also makes concessions to Christians whose spouse divorced
them before they got saved to allow them to remarry. Since Paul doesn’t
refer to anything God has previously said about remarriage in the case
of divorce, it appears that God is not putting any kind of restrictions
for remarriage upon those who had gotten divorced before they got saved.
The only restriction he gives to them is the same restriction he gives
to those whose spouse has died.
That restriction is if you haven’t received the gift of singleness,
then you are free to marry only someone who is a Christian. In other
words, don’t just marry the best looking, or the richest person you
can find. Instead, find a person who is deeply & passionately in love
with Jesus.
Next, in verses 10-11, Paul gives his advice to Christian couples who
are contemplating divorce. Let me say that this portion of Scripture
is not a textbook that gives the answer to every question with regards
to divorce & remarriage. What Paul is doing is answering the specific
question that the Corinthians had concerning whether or not a Christian
husband & wife had the right to divorce & remarry.
While we don’t know what the specific question was, Paul’s answer seems
to indicate that the question centered around getting divorced for what
we would call today irreconcilable differences. The answer to the question
about whether or not a Christian husband & wife have the right to divorce
& remarry just because they can’t get along, or just because they think
they married the wrong person, Paul says, "Absolutely not!"--v. 10(b)
& 11(b).
Paul uses the Greek word for "not" that was used to forbid the occurrence
of an action. So what Paul is telling us is that as far as the standard
that Jesus presented to us concerning divorce & remarriage, a Christian
husband & wife should not get divorced, unless the divorce is due to
adultery. I love the fact that Paul reminds us that this is not his
opinion. Rather he is basing his answer upon the revelation concerning
divorce & remarriage which has come through the Lord Jesus--v. 10(a).
And the same is true with my interpretation of this verse. I am not
giving you my opinion on divorce & remarriage. I’m simply reminding
you of the standard God has set for marriage. So if you don’t like what
Paul says, or my interpretation of what Paul says, take it up with Jesus.
Let me also say that it is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I hope you know there is no condemnation in my heart towards anyone.
I hope you will take that from my heart, as I try to unravel this difficult
passage in which there’s much disagreement as to what Paul is actually
saying.
In our text Paul first addresses the women, then he addresses the men.
In doing so he does uses 2 different Greek words that both mean divorce.
However, the words are in a different voice in the Greek. When addressing
the women, Paul uses a word that is in the passive voice. I believe
this voice indicates that something was being done to the woman by her
husband in an attempt to get her to leave--v. 10(b).
So it is very possible that what Paul is talking about here is a case
in which a woman is in a horribly abusive marriage, and her husband
is trying to force her to leave. In doing so, he probably is hoping
to save face within the community. This is a major concession, because
to the Jewish Christians, a woman had no grounds to leave her husband.
No where in the Old Testament did God make provisions for when a woman
could divorce her husband.
However, in the Hammurabi code, the laws the Gentiles followed, a woman
was permitted to divorce her husband if it was proven she was not at
fault. But since it was a patriarchal society in those days, very few
women ever initiated a divorce. So what Paul is saying was very revolutionary
for his time.
Though Paul doesn’t specify what the grounds are that might cause a
woman to contemplate leaving her husband are, I would guess it would
be when the husband is not loving his wife like Jesus loved his church.
Most modern day Bible scholars say that this occurs when a husband is
physically, mentally, and/or verbally abusing his wife.
Next Paul talks to the husband who is considering divorcing his wife--v.
11(b). The word used for divorce here is in the active voice. This means
that Paul is forbidding the common practice of a man divorcing his wife
when he had no biblical reason to do so.
In those days, if a wife publicly humiliated her husband, he could divorce
her. If she burned the dinner, he could divorce her. If she didn’t keep
the house clean, he could divorce of her. If she couldn’t have children,
he could divorce. And when she started to lose her youthful beauty,
he could trade her in for a newer, prettier model. Paul is saying that
unless your wife has committed adultery, don’t divorce her.
If you were to take these 2 commands, without looking at the parenthetical
clause that separates them, it would appear that God is making no concession
for a husband or wife who are in a bad marriage. I believe that this
is what too many people have done. In doing so they have inflicted a
lot of pain & condemnation upon those whose marriage didn’t work out,
and they ended up getting divorced.
Please note that in these 2 commands Paul is stating God’s ideal for
marriage. God would rather you work things out then get a divorce. And
so do I. My first recommendation would be to try to work things out.
Secondly, separate if things are getting abusive. This is to allow for
a cooling down period, and for your spouse to get some help. But in
between these commands, Paul also adds one other thing that I have never
done: He introduces the possibility of divorce. Paul also acknowledges
that God does make a concession for divorce for those whose marriage
is full of strive & violence--v. 11(a).
The phrase "but and if" indicates that God himself is acknowledging
that some Christian marriages can get so abusive that divorce is the
lesser of two evils. This indicates that God doesn’t expect a man or
a woman to stay in an abusive marriage. This is very significant.
You can’t find another example of God offering options in case we decide
to disregard his commandments. God never said, "Thou shalt not murder,
but if you do, you must give the victim a decent burial and take care
of his family for the rest of their lives." Or, "Thou shalt not steal,
but if you do, you must do 100 hours of community service." God lays
down his law this way: "Thou shalt not. Period."
Please don’t think that just because Paul only addresses the women that
there is no recourse for men who find themselves in an abusive marriage.
It’s just that in those days, as I said earlier, no Jewish woman, and
very few Gentile women, ever initiated the divorce proceedings. Therefore,
I believe that the concessions that God gives here are the same to a
woman as to a man.
While God doesn’t want anyone to divorce, but if the marriage is getting
dangerous, he allows for not only separation, but even divorce. But
if divorce happens don’t remarry! Even though God is regrettably tolerating
a violation of one of his own principles, he also makes it clear in
this case that remarriage to someone else is not an option. The only
options are to remain single or be reconciled.
That may sound like a death sentence, but in my years of experience
in dealing with couples, and through my extensive studies on the subject
of divorce, I have learned that normally the innocent person won’t have
to remain single for too long. If the other spouse doesn’t repent, he/she
will either file for divorce and get remarried, or they will end up
committing adultery. And when that happens, the innocent spouse is now
free to remarry.
The truth that Paul is reminding us of is that divorce is not the only
option, there is also forgiveness & restoration. If you think about
it, there really is no marriage that is beyond repairing. For with God
in the equation, is anything really broken? He is a God who specializes
in the impossible. Nothing, absolutely nothing, not even a bad marriage,
is too hard for him to fix!
So what are you to do if you are in a bad marriage? First of all, recognize
that marital problems don’t indicate that your marriage is in serious
trouble. The truth of the matter is that whenever 2 people get married,
eventually trouble is going to arise in the marriage. The other truth
is that there is no such thing as a marriage that doesn’t have any problems.
If somebody tells you they have a trouble-free marriage, you tell them
that they are lying. Anytime you have 2 people with different personalities
living together, forever, you are going to have disagreements.
I read an article where they interviewed a couple that had been married
for 75 yrs. The interviewer asked the wife if there was ever a time
she had considered divorcing her husband. She replied, "I never thought
once about leaving him. But I did think about murdering him several
times!"
But if your marriage is in serious trouble, don’t stick your head in
the sand and try to pretend there isn’t a problem. This unfortunately
is what most Christians do. Trust me, you will only be able to grin
& bare the misery for so long. And eventually you will end up separated
& heading for divorce court.
So instead of pretending there isn’t a problem, be realistic and admit
there is a problem. Do so by talking to a friend, or come and talk to
me when things first start getting out of control. Don’t wait until
your battles have escalated into a full-blown war. Don’t wait until
you are ready to leave your spouse before you seek help. Get help the
moment you are having far more disagreements than you are agreements.
And while you are getting help, stay on your face before the Lord in
prayer! Pray for the grace to stay. Pray that God will do a miracle
in your spouse’s life that will cause them to change. Pray that if you
have to leave, due to imminent physical or emotional danger, that God
will give you the strength to leave. But finally, pray that you will
always be open to reconciliation even if your marriage ends in divorce.
I know that when there are more disagreements than agreements, that
it is easy to lose your passion for your spouse. But trust me, God can
restore the desires you’ve lost for your spouse. So even if you end
up getting divorced, keep trusting that God will renew your affection
for your spouse.
Finally, what are you to do if you have gotten divorced and remarried
for reasons other than adultery? Please remember that Paul is not condemning
anyone for getting divorced. He is just reminding us of the truth concerning
the sanctity of marriage.
While it is true that God hates divorce, he never said he hates divorced
people. He doesn’t even say that he hates divorce more than anything
else. In fact, in the top seven things God hates, found in the book
of Proverbs, divorce is not even listed. From God’s perspective, divorce
is not the unpardonable sin. So if you have gotten divorced and/or remarried
for any other reason than adultery, don’t let the enemy beat you up.
Instead, confess your mistake to God, and experience his love as he
heals your broken soul.
Let me say in conclusion that there are 2 processes in life that should
never be entered into prematurely: embalming & divorce. Just like you
don’t embalm someone until you are absolutely sure they are dead, please
make sure your marriage is absolutely dead before you divorce.
Let’s
pray
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